Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you have to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go...it's better off this way.
I'm not okay
YOU WEAR ME OUT!
Here's the simple truth.
I'm a strong woman. I've been a single mother for 26 years (and I mean that...no ex who really was involved in my daughter's life except sporadically. He's not a bad person at all, just lives in a different city and has a distant personality as well.) My own family is jumbled and distant - your normal dysfunction. My daughter is my family. I'm closest to my sister but we talk maybe a couple times a month and usually about my mom.
So why am I rambling about this? Simple. My family, or lack thereof, has always been a source of great stress and sorrow to me. Don't get me wrong...I'm mostly happy with my life but I've always wished that I had a family who was close and who cared.
Until I actually get caught up in the stress of having an extended family...no, that's not it. The stress of having MY extended family. And when I do, I tend to shrink into my solitude and stay away from all social media and my phone, etc., so that I can't be sad and hurt again. Because no matter what...no matter how much I love you... AND I DO LOVE YOU!! My daughter is my family and it's sometimes all I can do to listen to her and deal with her life. And still be alive to live my own.
That probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me, and that's okay.
All that is the reason I've not been on my blog since last AUGUST! That shocked even me. Wow. Well, my new resolution (not to be mistaken for a New Year's resolution) is:
No guilt.
I'm sorry that I can't communicate as you would wish me to communicate.
I'm sorry that I can't visit as you feel that I should.
Your expectations of me are your problem.
Not mine.
I have to be here for my daughter and my work. If that takes all my energy, so be it. I'll watch over my mom as best I can and be the best mother and person that I can be.
Any guilt will be between me and God, thank you very much.
Good Health! I can haz it!
I really need to get back to the athlete I used to be. Granted, a +40 athlete is going to be much different than my old self, but I need to lose weight, get back in shape, get my blood pressure and heart problems under control, and follow up on the tata's issue that I've been ignoring for the last four months.
So there you have it. I am determined to be the person I want to be...and that includes not avoiding things for fear of how it's going to be perceived by others. So hopefully, I'll be on my blog and posting FOR MYSELF a lot more.
But you really need to listen to me!
Because I'm telling you the truth.
I mean this. I'm okay!
(Trust me)
